Overthinker

Making time for reflection has been a big part of my focus this past year. And something that has been a beneficial part of my reflection process is sharing my musings with friends (like you!). So…here’s a little something that, although I’ve known for a long time, I’ve done some more in-depth thinking about #punintended. Read on…the joke will make sense in a minute… LOL
 
OK, here it is…I am an “overthinker.” I’m pretty sure I come by it honestly…since my family tree is absolutely and positively heavy laden with them, so I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised I have this trait as well! LOL #youknowwhoyouarethat is just so…blah…

What is an overthinker you might ask…let me explain, or at least let me explain what I mean when I say it…

When a decision needs to be made, I’m the type of person who needs to think about and mull over every. possible. option…and outcome.

Or…for example, when needing or wanting to do something for someone, I am almost paralyzed, unable to move forward with action, getting myself stuck on analyzing how this person may or may not respond or feel, about the thing I’m hoping to do for them…and then of course, if I haven’t decided, I circle back and reconsider every option I could do for them…uggh…

Or! What to wear…oh dear. Analysis-paralysis times a thousand!! Think of all the things I could possibly encounter in a day that I need to be ready for: weather, activity, temperature, comfort, style…oh man…my heart is racing just thinking about it!!!

OR (yes, there’s more! LOL) …I get locked in situations where I want to DO everything, even when the options are at odds with each other, impossible to achieve because they directly conflict in one way or another…at times to the point of ridiculousness. So, I either miss out and do nothing because I can’t decide on which activity to choose, or I try with all my might (and then some!) to actually do every single thing…fully exhausting myself and everyone around me…ya…not awesome…

Now, I shouldn’t be too hard on myself! This trait of mine can be very helpful. Like at work when I’m trying to learn and understand what might be going on with a patient. I am a person who, because I can quickly think of aaaaalllll the things that might be happening or aaaaaaalllll the ways a situation evolved, am able to contribute a unique solution (or two) to whatever problem/issue we are facing. You want a list of ideas?? I can brainstorm like a champ!…but give me a time limit or I’ll just keep on going LOL

So, you might be wondering how this character trait of mine plays out while traveling. And not just traveling, but traveling around this enormous continent, jam-packed with beautiful places to see, lovely people to meet and wonderful things to explore and experience…??

I must say, that as far as choosing an outfit each day, I have been FREED from my analysis-paralysis as I have only a very small selection of clothing with me in the van – even less in my backpack – so it’s usually just a grab-and-go situation…perfect…

However! As you might now imagine, knowing I’m an overthinker, most days my go-to response is to consider absolutely EVERY possible thing we could do, every place we could explore, every person we could see…sometimes all at once!! Not very helpful…especially as I mentioned in a previous blog post, we are trying to wonder, not get caught up in FOMO or over-planning…leaving room for rest and reflection…

My hubby is a good sounding board in these situations. He’s much more of a realist when it comes to what we can accomplish in a day…and I’m learning to trust his judgement and learning how much better it is to not jam-pack each day, able to better enjoy, notice and appreciate my surroundings.

Now, maybe the best question of them all…how did this trait affect how I handled my rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis and how do I now interact with having a chronic illness?

The truth is, when I was first diagnosed, it was a bit of a relief to finally have a plan after months of searching for answers to what was happening in my body. But the hard part was to trust my providers and not question their expertise, not ask a MILLION questions before the treatments had a chance to work, and not to assume there would be lists and lists of options for medications and management options etc…remember…I like options!!

One thing that was really meaningful to me was to be a part of the conversation about my care. I literally sat in a room while several of my care providers shared their ideas, presented suggestions, and together made an individualized plan for me…ideas, options, brainstorming…check, check, and check…AND they included me in the conversation…just what I needed in those first moments of great uncertainty…

I know using the word “trust” is a bit unusual when talking about health care providers, but it’s what I felt at the time as I was dependent on their knowledge, their skill and their judgement as they directed my care…so therefore…I had to choose to either participate with a new and growing confidence – do my part by taking my meds as ordered, get my bloodwork done on time, show up for my appointments as directed – or let the fear of it all (which wasn’t an easy pill to swallow…again…pun intended!) overwhelm and paralyze me.  

I chose to trust. I chose to participate. Of course, I had questions. I still do some days. I absolutely had concerns and fears…but I didn’t let the list of fatalities overtake me and take the place of all the ways I could chose to move forward, take control where I could and trust my care team with the areas where I couldn’t.

So, as I move into a new year, I want to leave behind this notion, one I have clearly cultivated over the years, that there exists a perfect or particular way to do something – what I choose to wear, the kind gestures I set out to do, what has to happen in a day, the exact way I manage my RA…like figuring it out will make it better and/or make me feel better about it. Of course, I want to make wise decisions, seek the advice of experts and wisdom keepers, but not miss out on what’s happening around me because I’m stuck…over-thinking every. single. option. and. outcome.

What I’m taking forward with me into this next year is, to continue to remain rooted in the practice of reflection. And yet, not to just reflect, but to learn from and lean into the things I’ve learned about myself, my surroundings and what a beautiful thing it means to be human.

May you also welcome this new year with the beautiful, restful hope of knowing your grand value…just as you are…