Lost for words…

I’d be lying if I told you this past month was easy.

What is it about grief that makes it difficult to get motivated, to find perspective, and even more impossible to concentrate?

You can ask nearly anyone who knows me…I’m usually not the one who has a hard time finding something to say LOL Come to think of it…I should really give my friends a code-word or a phrase to use when I’ve gone on a bit long…ideas anyone? LOL

But right now…today…I’m a bit lost for words.

Can anyone relate?

I tried really hard to put together a coherent, cohesive thought for my blog this month…thought I had some good ideas…but just couldn’t pull them together into something worth saying or reading.

I did all the things that usually work for me when I’m stuck or needing to collect or organize my thoughts…

            I went for a walk

            I went for a bike ride

            I went for a run

            I sat with a cup of tea

            I wrote in my journal

            I talked to friends

…and every time I’d attempt to write something…I’d come up against a dead end…or just create a jumble of random thoughts with no focus or direction.

I remember feeling a lot like this when I first became unwell, my joints swelling, sleep interrupted by pain, fatigue overwhelming my every waking moment…and with no diagnosis or proposed reason for my symptoms, my future seemed unsure…perspective waning, concentration pending.

Can anyone relate?

Then! I learned a lot about loss and grief as I worked through the reality of my new diagnosis. I gained a deeper understanding of what it means to accept my circumstances, how to manage expectations and about humility. I came to understand grief as cyclical vs linear, as something to embrace, perhaps even turn towards the pain and sadness to gain a deeper understanding of myself…allowing it to change and form me, to walk through the thick of it with bravery…not to shy away from it.

I am doing my best to take what I learned through those hard times, and bring it forward into the present, as I grieve a much different type of loss.

The importance of community has been at the forefront of my mind. That this life we live isn’t meant to be lived alone or in isolation. We rejoice when there are victories…together. We sing and dance and make merry at celebrations…together.

Yet for some reason, our instinct is to pull away when life is hard…knowing full well there are people who can help to carry our heavy loads, lighten our burdens, and begin to alleviate our pain. These people might be friends, family, colleagues, doctors, pharmacists, or other health care providers who either know you well or have a valuable knowledge base to provide guidance and support as you move through this difficult time.

I am acutely aware of the support of my community. Looking back and reflecting on all the ways my community has continued to support me – coast to coast and everywhere in between; food, notes, cards, hugs, time together, laughter…

It is hard to explain how important their support has been and how much they mean to me…and I’m feeling a little lost for words.

If you are grieving…be brave…reach out. 

If you know someone who has experienced loss…be brave…reach out.

You are not alone.