It’s ok for grieving to take time

As I’ve been working through all the big, new emotions I’m discovering as an “empty-nester,” I can’t help to think back and remember the big, new emotions I experienced when I was first diagnosed with RA.

It was a strange collection of feelings really…

I had been suffering terribly with painful joints and rapid loss of function, making everyday life very, very difficult. So, when I finally got a diagnosis, I experienced a great sense of relief; I had direction, a plan, even some autonomy – but then there was also, in perfect tension, the reality that I now had a CHRONIC illness. No quick fix. It wouldn’t be like a bone that would mend or an infection that would eventually clear…chronic…always…forever. Yes, treatment was available and there was hope my function would improve, I could even hope for remission…but it would never be gone, I would have to manage and interact with this for the rest. of. my. life. 

I never realized until years later that I had been grieving. I think I had always just related the concept of grief or the “exercise” of grieving to an emotion or process that happens when a loved one dies, and never realized that grief gets its fingers into so many other aspects of our lives as we experience losses of all kinds; employment, financial, relationships, children leaving home (tear!), aging, injury and then of course illness (I’m sure there are many more examples!).

I wonder why it took me SO long (like nearly 15 years!) to realize that underneath the many other emotions and responses I had to having RA, was the fact that I had been working through my “loss” ALL these years! And, because one question inevitably leads to another…THAT got me thinking about this idea of “hustle culture.” Don’t ask how I got there…it’s just the way my brain works! LOL

When most people talk about “Hustle Culture,” they talk about it as it relates to job performance…working super long hours…being self-driven/self-sufficient, giving up weekends and evenings, doing whatever it takes to gain success at break-neck speed and with considerable sacrifice. What’s always been interesting to me is that, even though hustle culture encourages setting your own well-being (and perhaps even your loved ones) aside, you are seen as successful, even admired by your colleagues, bosses and even family members…making it a tempting pattern to fall into.

I wonder though, if the idea or mentality of always pushing and pressing, working harder and faster and longer finds its way into other areas of our lives, and even more specifically how we work through hard things like grieving.

We really expect a lot of ourselves and sometimes believe that if we work just a little longer, push ourselves a little harder, we will move through the stages of grief in a linear fashion. And if we can do it in a timely manner, efficiently complete “it”, we can therefore be described as “successful”. Close the chapter on grief. Move on. Forward movement. Done and done. 

We are such “western” thinkers aren’t we!?!? …but what if we don’t…what if we can’t…what if the challenge is too hard to move through quickly or easily…what do we do then?

I think what happens is we start to actually believe we are less than, weak, not worthy, incapable, instead of giving ourselves the grace to acknowledge all the big, hard, new emotions that are held in surprising tension with big, beautiful, familiar ones.

Maybe what I’m saying is, it’s ok for grieving to take time. Maybe it’s ok for the complex and painful process of letting go be something we work on over time. Maybe we don’t need to do it alone, like we have something to prove about our strength as an individual…maybe it’s ok to NOT be enough on your own…

And then! I got thinking. (I know…my brain never stops!)

Although I do believe it’s true that we shouldn’t “hustle” through grieving, we also shouldn’t wallow. Loss is hard. It’s overwhelming. Loss is all encompassing. It forces us to find “new normals” and patterns of living. However! There is still life through it all. There is joy. There is laughter. There is love. And, weaving itself through our pain, our loss, our anger and our defeat is hope…working to create something new, something bold and something beautiful if we just step back and look for it.

For me, it took the perspective of others who could already see the new and beautiful patterns emerging, as hope wound its way in, pulling together bits and pieces of the old, torn tapestry that my life had become, and using unfamiliar threads, began creating something new(ish). Full disclosure, I still need reminders to focus on the “can’s” vs “cannot’s” and still need help to shift my perspective when I’m not seeing it…when I need to believe again.

Perhaps underneath it all, I believe a bunch of seemingly opposing things. I believe we need to give ourselves time and grace to work through loss, but I also believe we need to keep looking for the bright and beautiful things that surround us, and keep some momentum perhaps?

I believe we are enough. Who we are today, this moment, considering all our limitations and failings…we are worthy of effort, of time, of love, and we are capable of great things…and I also believe we aren’t. LOL We need others to walk this hard road with us. We need them to pick us up and cheer us on.

Do you talk about losses you have experienced with your family and friends? Have you seen yourself moving through the processes and cycles of grieving and can you identify where you are at today?

From one work-in-progress to another, I want to encourage you to bring others along on your journey. When you consider all the things you’ve been through, choose to face the new and difficult emotions you may find with others. And boy oh boy, when it’s time to celebrate…CELEBRATE!! Let’s not forget…success is much better celebrated with others…who doesn’t love big party!?!?!